If Only...

June 4, 2006 It was a tough day. The day my mom found my dad had passed away. It was so unlike him to miss church she decided to go over for a visit. They had been divorced since before my daughter was born in 2001, but they weren't bitter enemies or anything. I think they got along better after the divorce than before it. I know that dad regretted getting divorced every day. I know he wished he haded actually gotten the papers this time, he told me that many times. So many fights included the threats from both of them about divorce. If only he hadn't gotten those papers they'd still be together.

I know mom has her regrets too. I have heard her say it, if we hadn't gotten divorced I would have been there...
He wasn't living alone though, his brother, my uncle was living with him at the time. Unfortunately he was away and wasn't there to find him either. Why did he choose to be away? If only he would have been there, he could have called 911 and saved him.

Dad had just had surgery in February or March that year. He had a valve replaced in his heart. He was really weird after the surgery, seemed so out of it. He had needed the surgery though, but I wish I would have seen how much care he really needed. I think if he had health insurance in place after the surgery they would have placed him in a program until he was further recovered but they assumed I had the capacity to care for my dad along with the help of my mom and uncle. Little did they know... If only I had asked them to try to place him in that program.

He stayed with me for a after the surgery but I was under so much stress I couldn't stand it. Mom was living there with us and it was totally strange to have a divorced couple living together under your roof. Which one do you kick out? I was watching mom's friend's boyfriend's grand kids too. I never could say no to helping others you know... Mom couldn't care for him in my house while my family and I took vacation to get away from it all, it would just be too strange. The church set it up to bring him meals and check on him while I was gone. He seemed to be doing so well when I got back he decided to stay in his own house. If only I hadn't been under so much stress and he was still living with me.


Dad liked to spend time with his grand kids. He was trying to help my son learn to ride his bike. He took them to sporting events (like this Twins game), swimming, fishing,... if only he were here to still do that with his grand kids. He wasn't here long enough!


This was what his grave site looked like last summer after I visited him. He's been gone three years already? Where did the time go? If only I had the money to buy him a proper headstone...

Next week I'll be researching his side of the family tree some more. If only I had taken the time to attend some of those family reunions, I'd know his relatives a little better!

I better stop thinking about my regrets and start living in the moment! We are going to MIL's house this weekend to help her with some home repairs done and hopefully get some quality visiting time in with her and grandpa. Life's too short for regrets. I think I need to tattoo that on my forehead!

Thank you for stopping by to chat with me. Please leave me a message, I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Cindy