I Cried Today

I am not an overly emotional person. I am not in touch with my feelings. It is easy for me to put distance between my thoughts and my feelings. I keep drama out of my life at all costs. It is easy for me to keep people an arms' length away. I do not share my thoughts and feelings with many people, especially not those whom they should be shared with. I am not sure how I got to be this way.

I have searched for ways to connect more with both my feelings and other people, with little success. I barely cried at my dad's funeral, until I saw one of my friends from high school that I felt really comfortable with. The only times I can recall crying, aside from funerals and sad movies, are times that I tie into my depression. What made me cry? All I know is that this time it wasn't just because of my depression and this isn't any spilled milk we're crying about here. Or is it?

I madly started swiping the tears away with the backs of my hands. Why can't I stop crying? Thoughts and possibilities swirled through my head. Past events, circumstances, times I have just let people walk over both myself and my family. My insecurities surfaced and I could not quiet the voices that were telling me I would never and could never be good enough. Things I feel I have no control over, things I feel that I can not change, and people who won't hear me or don't care about my circumstances just frustrate me so much. Anchors I have tied my life to are slipping through my fingers. I have always thought having faith, dedication, perseverance, and making smart decisions were all I needed to get through this life in one piece, but now our life is so far off course, so far from what we tried to plan for ourselves I don't know which way to go. Storm clouds keep rolling through my life and I can not do anything to make them go away. It's all I can do to try to stay out of the pouring rains. I cry out to God, but he doesn't seem to be able to hear me. Where is that megaphone?

Why must life be so hard? It is obvious to me that I am supposed to learn a lesson in this, but what is that lesson? I am still searching. What choices am I supposed to make? What changes am I supposed to make? Is there such a thing as being too open to change? I refuse to give up. I will keep pushing on, pressing forward, and hoping and praying for God to show me the way.

God, please come and take me by the hand and lead me to whatever it is that you want from me. I can not find my way to the sheltered harbor without you. Please do not leave me to drown. Instead, give me the faith I need to get out of the boat and to walk on the water towards you through the scary storms of life.

Thank you for stopping by to chat with me. Please leave me a message, I'd love to hear your thoughts! Cindy

1 comment:

Corner Gardener Sue said...

Hi Cindy,
I'm sorry things are so hard right now. Keep seeking God out. I know I have been needing to, and He has been there to comfort me, even though things aren't getting resolved in the amount of time I think they should.

Some co-workers and I have been having to deal with a pay cut that was done in a way that our agreement was violated. I am in the process of trying to get it changed.

Still, it does sound to me like you are dealing with depression. I will pray for you and your family.